


How Lucky

by jazzjo



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex my sad little gayby, F/F, have you ever felt such hurt before
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 05:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8565412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzjo/pseuds/jazzjo
Summary: (i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard)orthe first time Alex has felt pain she couldn't sleep away or wash down.





	

It had never hurt enough that enough scotch couldn't numb the pain. She had never _felt_ to the extent that even as she slept she was acutely aware of every movement that wedged the sharp, stabbing, nagging pain further and further into her sternum. 

 

Her right hand burned with the imprint of where Maggie had held it when they crashed Roulette’s fight club. Her thumbs burned with the ghosting architecture of Maggie’s cheekbones where she had cradled her face as they kissed. Her elbow burned from where Maggie's hand had absentmindedly rested before she fully realised what was happening and pulled away.

 

Hell, her lips burned so much she had scarcely gotten another word out since she poured her broken heart out to Kara. 

 

Like hell it would get better. 

 

At this point she would gladly retrace her steps back through the past week just to have peace of mind back. It would be numbness, but peaceful numbness nonetheless. 

 

She had never felt quite so strongly about _anyone_ ; she had never had the reason to believe that she ever would. That she was even built in that way to feel such emotions that were directly tied to anyone. 

 

No one person had ever had this much power over her emotions save her parents and Kara. 

 

She could still taste the single beer Maggie had had before she turned up at the bar, the lingering scent of fermented barley and hops that clung to Maggie’s soft lips. 

 

She could still feel the gentle pressure that had been Maggie’s response, instinctual or otherwise. 

 

She could still hear the heartbreaking words that had left the same lips she had just kissed, her heart shattering on the floor at her feet for the very first time. 

 

Maggie didn’t want to be a first. Her first. Funny how things work out. 

 

Rationally, Alex understood. Neither of them were in good places. Neither of them were the best communicators. Neither of them were prepared to jump straight into a relationship that could do their connection justice. 

 

Every nerve ending in her body screamed, though, in response to the sheer tidal wave of grief that Maggie’s rejection had somehow managed to elicit. 

 

Alex lay a hand over her heart, clutching at the worn cotton of an old college t-shirt from freshman year as she tried somehow to mechanically allay the ache that had taken up residence in her heart. 

 

_If this is what love feels like_ , Alex wanted to scream, to shriek, _I do not want it._

 

Trouble was that she did. 

 

Trouble was that the hurt that alcohol couldn’t wash away, the hurt that persisted even as she slept, the hurt that was raw and red and angry and throbbed like she had never felt before, that hurt she somewhat relished. 

 

She would rather have this hurt than nothing at all. 

 

At least this was more than numbness. More than a lack of response to something that everyone expected her to be hysterically devastated about. More that she had been able to muster up with almost every relationship she had attempted to have in her life. 

 

At least she knew now what she was capable of feeling. 


End file.
